prestonengland

War With Leyland Inevitable

Dear leylandtown.info,

Is there someone there that can speak for the residents of Leyland?

Yours faithfully,

Mike Jury
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Hello Mike

I'm sorry for the late reply, we have been having technical some difficulties but they are all sorted now. The website is independently run and cannot claim to speak for Leyland residents. You could try the South Ribble website which has contact details of all the councillors on it.

http://www.south-ribblebc.gov.uk/

Alternatively, you could try the Leyland forum if you have any questions about the town.
http://forum.leylandtown.info/forum/

Regards
Martin Hayes
www.leylandtown.info

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Dear Martin,

Thank you for the swift response. If you are like me, you will find the internet quite a miracle of communication. Indeed, only last week I was in correspondence with someone from Harrogate, which is a distance of over 30 miles.

Anyway, per your suggestion, I have conferred with the local councillors who represent the Leyland area - Councillor G Armstrong and Councillor M V Tomlinson - and they are considering my consortium’s proposal which I will now relay to you.

The essence of my proposal was that Leyland holds an emergency town meeting and conducts a straw poll amongst residents.  The straw poll is to take a gauge of how many residents in the Leyland area are willing to stand down and allow Preston to peaceably take possession of Leyland according to the below terms.

The terms are pretty inflexible but fair:

1. The residents of Leyland will have all of their property and land rights removed and will be subject to absolute control of my consortium from Preston. 

2. The residents of Leyland will leave their homes and be transported in electric milk-floats to a collection area in the Miller Arcade. They will be assessed in terms of stature, age and intelligence.

3. Local businesses, who will have previously been allotted a worker allowance, will line up outside the Miller Arcade and bid their tickets for workers.

4. The Leyland Workers will work for the rest of their natural lives for the businesses of Preston – most likely engineering these days – unless they earn their freedom.

5. Freedom can only be earned through winning a death battle against another Worker in the Guild Hall alligator pit (where the snooker gets filmed now).

6. The residents of Leyland will suffer no more than absolutely necessary.

Martin, if you hold sway with the residents of Leyland (and from your website it is quite obvious that you do) I would encourage you to promote a peaceful conclusion.  We at the consortium do in no way want to wage a swift and painful war against Leyland if it can be avoided.  Indeed my grandparents grew up in Fox Lane and I would feel upset at having to ride in on a tank and reduce it to a war-zone.

I look forward to your response.

Yours sincerely,

Mike Jury

Midget SS Delayed

See below for related news.

Hi Michael

RE: LOWER COST TINY MEN

Thank you for your recent booking enquiry.  Having reviewed our prices offer.  I am happy to offer you our great Tiny People as staff at your great activities of festival and fun.  For just £187.00 all inclusive.  Excluding ~Travel ~.  At Juliet Adams we aim to match or beat many of our competitors quotes for ~FAB models # of similar high quality caliber. 

If interested in this great deal.. do give us a call, as we have great artists that would love to do good work for your festival day of activities.  Look forward to speaking to you soon.

Best regards
Shona Adams
for Juliet Adams Models & Talent Casting Agency - for quality models, actors and dancers and so much more!
www.julietadams.co.uk
bookingdesk@julietadams.co.uk

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Dear Lashownda,

I am really glad that you have decided to reduce your fees in order to secure my custom. The little folk are half an adult’s bulk and so a reduction is only fair. I am also encouraged by your assurances that the little folk you keep are not treated as chattels, and are in fact free to roam as they wish.

However, I must tell you at this juncture that the job-spec has now changed, and what my consortium have in mind for the little men will require a greater commitment on their part.  In short (and I mean not to make light of the stature of your folk) I want to use your little folk for upwards of 5 years on a rolling contract. The nature of this contract cannot be disclosed in full just now for security reasons but in essence the roll will be one of defending Preston’s innermost sanctum: Tokyo Joe’s.

Tokyo Joe’s – the North’s premier Discothèque - has been chosen by my consortium as the location for our new government.  When my consortium takes control of Preston, we will require an able and committed security force. I propose that your little folk, or Tiny Tiny Tiny men as you insist on calling them, make up this force. The reason being their size makes concealing their penetration into Preston an easy task

If you agree, all three little folk will be smuggled into Preston in barrels marked ‘fish oil’ which will be hidden in the bow of a remotely controlled canoe.  During this infiltration they shall be dressed as garden gnomes lest they be discovered.

Upon arrival in Preston docks they will be whisked by bicycle courier to my mother’s house in Penwortham. Here they will be fitted with the battle armour she has constructed from foil milk-bottle lids and matches. She will also provide them with weaponry she has been amassing through E-Bay.

Meanwhile I shall be laying siege to Preston City Hall on Fishergate Hill with my consortium. The local councillors and staff will be interned and dealt with at a later date.

The consortium will re-route all City Hall phone lines to Tokyo Joe’s Discotheque where the little folk will have been driven by my mother. My consortium will take David Borrow MP with us to Tokyo Joes where he will be asked to read a concession speech to the masses, live on Northwest Tonight.  The little folk will be required to control any security situation which arises and also to poke David Borrow MP with their weaponry if he gets testy.

I would therefore like a quote for these services and rest assured in the knowledge that you operate with complete client discretion.

Yours,

Mike Jury

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Thank you for your email.  Our Tiny Artists are professional and do great work.  Having considered your proposals inaccordance with our fair deals and rights for Artists with particular reference to Artists protection, and in an attempt to keep your type of identifiable Danger away from Artists.   Juliet Adams Herby notifies you in no uncertain terms. That we herby withdraw our offer to provide you though our agency with any artists what-so ever.

JULIET ADAMS MODEL & TALENT CASTING AGENCY

Wildlife Sanctuary Garners Fresh(water) Support

Dear Mr Kledzik,

May I start by congratulating you on your name? It is quite unusual, takes time to get used to, but once you are there it is quite rewarding. I have a quite normal name - Jury - although if I could show you a list of the amount of times it has been spelled incorrectly you would have a heart attack.

Anyway, as the head of reptiles at St. Augustine Alligator Farm in Florida it is possible that you can help me with a situation that has developed here in Preston, England.

Briefly I represent a consortium of people who have taken on the mission of raising the international profile of Preston England. We are doing this through a variety of means that I will not get into at this juncture, but safe to say that things are steaming along full-speed!

As a result my consortium and I have a number of questions regarding the use of your alligators and would be grateful if I could run them by you. Please email me back and let me know if I may.

Yours sincerely,

Mike Jury

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Mike,

I would be happy to answer any questions you have about alligators.

David Kledzik

Curator of Reptiles

St. Augustine

Alligator Farm

(904) 824-3337 ext. 15

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Dear Mr Kledzik,

I could not use your first name when the last is so…exotic!  Many thanks for your swift response. I am also very glad that you are willing to answer ‘any questions’ I have about alligators’. 

My consortium, as you know, has successfully begun to raise the profile of Preston England through a variety of means.  Not least of these was in coordination with the manager of Ms Britney Spears, pop star.  I won’t go into detail but let it be said that Ms Spears earned a pretty £380,000 in naming her baby after our city. 

Anyway, my consortium had a brainstorming session last night at the Fleece Inn in Penwortham, where all of our meetings are conducted.  This led to a night out in Lancashire’s premier discotheque – Tokyo Joe’s – to celebrate. The reason for such revelry was the conceptualisation of a new plan for Preston, involving a wildlife park.  That’s where St Augustine Alligator Farm comes in. Preston is a wonderful town known for engineering and 19^th Century cotton milling, and a few well known sports stars such as Bill Beaumont, Tom Finney etc. 

Preston does however lack a wildlife sanctuary.  My consortium and I propose that we start a sanctuary on the banks of the River Ribble. It won’t be an ordinary sanctuary however, but one where visitors get to experience real ‘jungle’ living. Equipped with only a club, anti-septic bandages and a flare-gun the visitors will be thrown into the sanctuary and left to survive on their wits for three weeks.  The sanctuary’s boundaries will cover Avenham Park and a mile length of the River Ribble. 

I have already secured a number of proboscis monkeys, elephant seals and squirrels for the project. To add a real jungle feel to the sanctuary I additionally want to import at least ten of your largest alligators. These alligators will remain unfed apart from what they catch, which I am sure you will agree will make for an exciting visitor experience.

Mr Kledzik (I still wont call you David) I can assure you now that all measures will be taken to prevent much harm coming to your alligators.  Indeed, they should remain relatively unharmed beyond the odd clubbing by a desperate visitor.

Therefore I shall list my questions in a numbered format, but this does not mean that the numbers relate to question import.

Q1. How polluted a river can an alligator survive in? Would dye hurt their eyes?

Q2. Has anyone every tried to increase the natural size of an alligator with growth hormones?

Q3. Are there any substances that an alligator can be made to ingest to make it more aggressive?

Q4. Can an alligator be sedated so that it can perform or dance for crowds?  I ask this last on behalf of Ms Spears who is thinking of adding wildlife to her act.

I look forward greatly to hearing your input on the matter!

JAWS faithfully,

Mike Jury

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Mike.

There is no way we can support this venture.

David Kledzik

Curator of Reptiles

St. Augustine

Alligator Farm

(904) 824-3337 ext. 15

PRESTON Michael Spears Federline

In a move that has shocked most of the world’s press Britney Spears has named her first born child after the town of Preston England.

BRIBES

The reasons behind Spears’ name choice are being debated in the salons, on chat shows and even in Preston England itself. An allegation of bribery by the prestonengland consortium has been swiftly denied.

ANIMAL

Spears’ monkey-like boyfriend Kevin Federline refused to comment from the waiting room of UCLA Hospital in Santa Monica.  He was too busy convincing Spears’ armed police escort that he is in fact the baby’s father and not a beardy desparado from the street seeking prescription drugs.

BABY STAGE PROP

The rumours of the baby Preston joining Spears on tour this fall have been confirmed.  Spears stated from her hospital bed that the child will be used as a “stage prop…we’ll tie lasers to it or something”. She continued, "I want to thank the prestonengland consortium for making this possible. They paid for everything, sent me towels and water...it's a wonderful town."

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Letter from prestonengland to Spears Site:

Dear Britney Spears Website,

As leader of a consortium whose mission it is to raise the profile of Preston England, I just can't believe all of the press that Britney is generating for our city.

If you could pass on my sincere thanks again to the Spears fans for allowing her to sacrifice her son’s name for the cause in this way that would be great.

I have always been a large fan of Spears, ever since she did that ‘Oh baby baby’ song where she danced through a high school in a school uniform. My girlfriend Lizzie said it was an inappropriate video blending the boundaries of the adult-child relationship, but I just thought it was hot.

Anyway, congratulations on a wonderful site and for bringing Spears to the world.

Yours faithfully,

Mike Jury

Britney Spears Names Babe Preston

NME

The singer is a mum...

Britney Spears has given birth to a baby boy. Following weeks of tabloid speculation, the singer revealed the news in a message on her official website www.britneyspears.com. In a statement to her fans, Spears said: "We are ecstatic to announce the birth of our son! Everyone is happy, healthy and doing wonderful. Thank you all for your love and well wishes." No name for the baby has been announced, though some papers claim the child is called Preston Michael Spears Federline. Photographers have been waiting outside a Los Angeles hospital after reports the star had undergone a Caesarean section on Wednesday (September 14). It is believed Spears and husband Kevin Federline were taken to the UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica under police escort earlier that day and the US Weekly said that she gave birth just before 1pm local time.

A Small Event in Preston.

Dear Juliet,

As casting agent for actors of short stature it is possible that you can help me.  I represent a consortium of people who have taken it upon themselves to put Preston, England on the global map. This will be done by a variety of means which I will not go into for they are complex and difficult to grasp. 

I have an idea for a presentation project in Preston England that will require some of your little folk. There will be costumes, food and dancing involved.

Please let me know if you are interested and I shall inform you more fully of what we require.

Yours sincerely,

Mike Jury

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Hi Micheal

RE: TINY TINY MEN

Many thanks for your breakdown Please find enclosed our suggestions.

All our prices are very competitive.. please call us on 0208 678 1939 and we will be happy to discuss your requirements. 

Best regards
Shona Adams
for Juliet Adams Models & Talent Casting Agency - for quality models, actors and dancers and so much more!

TINY ARTISTS

A Selection of our Tiny Artists

Graham H 3'11

Chest: 34 inches  Waist: 30  Shoe 3 to 4

Weight: 48 kg

Shoe 51/2 chest: 33 inches

Waist 32 inches In leg 21 inches, Collar: 15 inches.  Skills Sports Alternative Medal Athlete

Danny R

Height: 4’ 3” clothing: 9/10 years kids

Shoe: 5

Trousers 27 – 28 inches

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Dear Shooba,

Re: Tiny Tiny Tiny Men.

Thank you for reverting to me with such speed.  However I worry that I confused you with my earlier email.  Firstly with the spelling of my name and secondly about the nature of our business transaction. My consortium wants to rent these little folk for an event in Preston, whereas your comment about competitive prices almost suggests that you are selling them outright! That is unacceptable.

Anyway I will now outline the event in greater detail on the premise that we are both on the same page, but please note that I in no way condone slavery, even of tiny slaves.

1A. Preston City centre will be cordoned off.

1. One of your little folk will be required to dress as a comet.

2. Another of the little folk will be dressed as Aslan the lion from CS Lewis’ popular children’s book The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.

3. A third of the little folk will be dressed as a goat.

4. The stage for the event will be the Preston Flag market in front of the Guild Hall.

5. The little goat man will enter stage left and proclaim, “I am the symbol of Preston.  I am pretty good, and even represent Preston North End football team who are in the Championship League.  However, I am lazy and do not strive for greatness. Baaa!”

6. Then, to an accompanying thunder crash on the sound system, the little comet man will run on from stage right. He will be on fire.

7. The burning little comet man will shriek and burn and run up to the little goat man.  He will shout, “I am the future!” then pounce on the little goat man, who will also begin to be consumed by the flames.

8. The burning duo will roll off the stage shrieking.

9. Finally, to the sound of a thousand angelic voices, the little Aslan lion man will enter from stage rear.  He will scream, “I am the new symbol of Preston!  I want Preston to be revered world wide!  Who’s with me!  I said WHO IS WITH ME!” 

10 The little Aslan man will enter the crowd and hand out Aslan lion badges.

Well, I believe that should clear things up. If you could get back to me as soon as possible and let me know how much you think it will cost to RENT these little fellows for the day, that would be great.

Yours sincerely,

Mike Jury

Monkey Workforce Proposal Considered

Dear Ms Elder,

As head of Primate Placement at the Simian Society of America, I was wondering whether I could pose a question to you on behalf of my consortium from Preston England.

Preston is a northern town famous for cotton milling and more recently engineering within the transport and aerospace sectors…but I get ahead of myself here.

If you could drop me an email confirming that your address is still active and detailing briefly how one would go about setting up a simian transfer, that would be wonderful.

Yours sincerely,

Mike Jury

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Dear Mr. Jury,

Ms. Elder is away for a few weeks and may not receive your email while away. If you would like to send in your proposal I will look at it.

Sincerely,

Ann Newman

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Dear Ms Newman,

Thank you so much for your swift 'chimpsponse'.  I was thinking that one of your monkeys had escaped and had organised some sort of monkey hostage situation! Anyway, I am glad that all is calm at the Simian Society.

I will get to the point. My consortium is trying to raise the global platform of Preston, an industrial town in the north of England, famous for weaving and more recently vehicle and aerospace engineering.

Preston is a wonderful place to work, rest and play, but my consortium worry that the city’s potential is not being reached. The consortium had a brainstorming session last night in the Fleece Inn in Penwortham and decided the following...

If Preston can rejuvenate its cotton milling industry by way of sheer efficiency of work force then we believe that it can start competing first hand with China.  That’s where the Simian Society comes in. As some monkeys are as smart or smarter than humans, they can be trained to do the following cotton based work:

1. The monkeys open cotton bales, then mix the lint by blowing on it and beating it.

2. The monkeys then feed the mixed and fluffed-up cotton into a ‘carding machine’. This cleans the fibres some more and makes them lie side by side.  The monkeys will be fitted with proper safety wear such as gloves and goggles.

3. The combing action of the carding machine finishes the job of cleaning and straightening the fibres, and makes them into a soft, untwisted rope called a sliver (pronounced sly-ver, although the monkeys will not be punished for failure to get this right).

4. As we will use modern spinning frames, the yarn can be made directly from the sliver. The spinning frames take fibres from the sliver and rotate it up to 2,500 revolutions in a second twist that makes fibres into a yarn.  I cannot guarantee absolute monkey safety at this stage for it is likely that the monkeys, unaware of the danger, will get excited and want to go for a spin.

5. The woven fabric, normally called grey goods, will be sent to a fully monkey operated finishing plant where it will be bleached, pre-shrunk, dyed, printed and given a special monkey signature finish before being made into clothing or products for the home. We will take full measures to make sure that a minimum number of monkeys are bleached dyed or shrunk.

6. The monkeys can further be trained to operate machines to make knits for use in shirts, sweaters or blankets.

7. A smoking room at each plant will also be available for the monkeys to use.

At first blush this may look like we will be exploiting the monkeys that the Simian Society works so hard to protect. However, I am sure that you will agree with me when I say that a busy monkey is a happy monkey. Further, I am proposing that the monkeys be given adequate ‘down-time’ in which to relax. Also, the Landlord of the Fleece Inn has agreed to allow monkeys provided they are paying customers and that they behave.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on how best to proceed. I am curious for example which brand of monkey you believe would provide the hardest workers. Visually I like the ones with the big noses (proboscis?) but they look a bit slow.

Yours in hope of forging a strong Preston,

Mike Jury

Preston Solicits Consultant?

Hello People of Glorantha,

I represent a consortium of people from Preston England that is interested in societal developments. I am intrigued to find out how long this world has been in existence.  Particularly how the infrastructure was developed and the societies organised.

I have read the information on your site but would like a more in depth analysis from one of the founders if possible.  Is there someone I could contact directly by email?

Faithfully,

Mike Jury

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Dear Mike,

If you mean Glorantha, then I am your man.


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Sincerely,
Greg Stafford

Issaries, Inc., publisher of HeroQuest: Roleplaying in Glorantha.
2140 Shattuck Ave., pmb #2030, Berkeley, CA 94704
See our site at www.HeroQuest-rpg.com.

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Dear Greg,

Good to hear from you and indeed greetings from Preston England.  In answer to your question, yes I do mean Glorantha.  I found it on the internet and it certainly looks an interesting place.

As mentioned below I have a number of questions regarding how one goes about forming a civil society.

What developmental problems did you have?

What is the best way to arm a military unit?

How does one go about increasing trade links with other states?

What financial structures do you have in place?

I do hope you can assist with these problems that Preston England faces.

Regards,

Mike Jury

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Dear Mike

Thank you. I am probably happy to answer these questions, and discuss things with you, but I need to understand the circumstances, what you will do with the answers and also the nature of the answers you want.

The questions are a touch ambiguous to me. Some seem like questions about places in Glorantha, or maybe about how we've kept Glorantha afloat for 30 years of gaming (and the nine years before that, too.)

Clarity sought!

=====
Sincerely,
Greg Stafford

Issaries, Inc., publisher of HeroQuest: Roleplaying in Glorantha.
2140 Shattuck Ave., pmb #2030, Berkeley, CA 94704
See our site at www.HeroQuest-rpg.com.

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Dear Greg,

Let me see if I can clear up any ambiguity.

I represent a consortium of people from Preston, an industrial town in the north of England, famous for cotton milling, and more recently for its developing financial Swiss-style banking system. My consortium and I are trying to increase global awareness of Preston– put it on the international playing field if you will.

As someone who has been an intrinsic part of creating this ‘gaming world’ you call ‘Glorantha’, it is most certain that you are someone whose developmental techniques could be replicated over here. Is it possible that you are free to travel to Preston, by magic or by space shuttle from this world you call Glorantha?  What do you normally charge by way of consultancy fee?  Can you bring any of the magic animals with you to show the children of Preston, perhaps a Waknath (chaos snake)? Is this snake anything like the Ape-beast from Planet Saltus?

I really am keen to take this forward and even establish links or a portal between the people of Preston and the people/ wizards/ creatures of Glorantha.

Yours sincerely,

Mike Jury

Eine Kuchen For Preston!

Dear Mr Günter Rath, Cake School Direktor,

I am writing to your German cake school or ‘kuchenschule’ with probably the greatest proposal that you have ever received. I represent a consortium of people whose mission it is to raise the global profile of Preston England. We aim to achieve this by developing a stock market, a global defence force, by devolving via international law and self determination, by developing a system of transport unrivalled by even the French and launching a new state symbol. This state symbol shall be a cake.

This is where the professors at your cake school come in.

At present, Preston lies in the valleys of Lancashire surrounded by towns which have their own sweet pastry bearing their name.  These include the Eccles Cake, the Chorley Cake and the Penwortham Pie, which incidentally was invented by my mother.  This is in the same tradition which sees the Black Forest of Germany market its own Black Forest Cherry Cake. However, these Lancastrian cakes are not of the same standard.  Indeed the Eccles Cake is flaky and disintegrates on ones trousers whereas the Chorley Cake sits in ones stomach like a tired lump of cement.  I won’t even go into the Penwortham Pie but off the record now that the litigation has settled, the allegations of cat food use by my mother were completely defamatory.

My consortium would like your catering school to develop the Preston Tart.  I am not talking about some sort of cyber-woman here, but about a new multilayered creation that blows the taste buds up.  That says “up yours world – Preston is here to kick cake ass!” to the rest of the cake world. A flavour so strong it makes the eyes water and the bowels tighten in anguish at letting any of it go.

I have spoken to some of my younger family members and drawn a speculative blueprint of the cake. Let me know if you want me to send it and if indeed you can help me develop a new state symbol for Preston.

Yours in good taste,

Mike Jury

From Japan With Pain

Dear Association of Gender Equality (AMIKAS), Fukuoka, Japan,

As leader of a consortium whose mission is to promote Preston England, I stumbled upon your website with what can only be described as ‘supreme eloquent beauty drifting softly through ploughed snow’. Or in layman’s terms, ‘joy’.

Preston was traditionally a cotton milling town and remains traditional in many ways. This means that it is solid, reliable and always up for it when there is a hymn to be sung or a lynch mob to be formed. But it also means that the plight of women in Preston is oft overlooked in favour of these more fun pursuits. Indeed, in the words of Prestonion Bill Beaumont, “Who can be arsed dealing with girl shit when there is cricket to be played and beer to be drunk?”

As we want to change things for the good of women in Preston, AMIKAS, we need your help!  We are also sure that as AMIKAS aims to ‘promote networking and communication among people and groups’ we can come to an agreement. 

My consortium had a brain storming session at the Fleece Inn last night and came up with a proposal. This would involve AMIKAS sending 30 – 50 traditionally dressed Japanese ladies over to Preston for an indefinite period.  These Ladies of Fukuoka will patrol Preston’s town centre, day and night, armed with the traditional sword (katana), throwing stars (shuriken) or those whacking poles tied together with string (nunchaku).  Any men who they came across who are acting in a derogatory way towards women will suffer limitless pain at their hands.

In return for this donation of women, my consortium will send to Fukuoka, 30 – 50 traditional Lancashire milking goats of the finest quality, each worth about £40. (I cannot work out the value in Yen for reasons I wont go into).

We know that you at AMIKAS are concerned about the ‘self-reliance’ of women in society so let it be said now, straight up, that Preston will not accept any kind of shirking, slacking or goofing around by the Ladies of Fukuoka. They will have to work hard for their food, replenish their traditional clothing with bark and other natural substances, and eat only what they catch in the unpolluted bits of the River Ribble. We will, however, provide housing.  My mother has been consulted and will happily donate the space in her attic behind her boiler. She lives in Penwortham and you can take it from me that she is a tough but fair ‘lady’. As Japanese ladies tend to be diminutive, all 30 – 50 of them should fit without discomfort. It should also be noted that as Fukuoka is similar climatically to Preston (damp and cold) they should be in no discomfort upon arrival.

Greatest honour to your venerable organisation,

Mike Jury

PS We look forward to hearing from you soon so that we can book space on a cargo ship for the Ladies of Fukuoka. It is about a 12 weeks journey so the sooner we get it booked, the better!

A New Flag for Preston?

Dear Kim and Ruth, Kindergarten teachers,

I have read your grade school’s internet site with childlike glee!  Indeed the children featured appear to be well rounded potential members of the human race. And you both get them at kindergarten age where they can be whipped into shape. Not literally!

I particularly enjoyed the link to an online dictionary – I had no idea that such things exist. I was finally able to find out the correct meaning of ‘quintillion’.*

Anyway, I shall gallop on to the point instead of prompting a misguided inference. (God bless this online dictionary!)  I represent a consortium of people whose mission statement is to bolster the international reputation of Preston…ENGLAND! Yes teaches, I hail from Preston too but a very different one to your West Virginian copy. Now, our Preston is a wonderful place and one that we are immensely proud of as you must be yours. Preston, Lancashire's cotton milling history and more recent engineering accomplishments are widely known. However, my consortium and I have taken it upon ourselves to increase our spec into the realms of finance, sport tourism, music and art.  That’s where the children you own come in: the art.

Preston’s flag (as attached to our soccer team's banner) is a crazy ensemble: what looks to be a sedated goat with a halo in a state of chemically induced repose. The drugged goat doses in front of a crucifix. Whether the goat is supposed to represent Our Lord is something I can only speculate on but I am sure that you will agree this is not the symbol of Preston that will bring us world renowned recognition. I am proposing that the better of your kindergarteners try and design an alternative.  They can be as creative as you like and even invent a new beast to compliment Preston.  I would probably recommend against inviting the animal to be drawn as medicated or intoxicated unless you want to combine an element of drug awareness to the venture.  This is a matter for you and I will defer to your teaching experience.

Please do revert (yes the dictionary scores again) to me as soon as possible because we are moving along briskly here in Preston.

Happy teaching,

Mike Jury

Forging Links with Jews For The Preservation of Firearms Ownership

Dear Mr Zelman,

Re Jews for the Preservation of Firearms Ownership.

I have read your internet site with interest since its inauguration in 1999.  I am an English citizen who is, like yourself, interested in retaining my right to shoot stuff and teach kids how to shoot stuff without maiming each other accidentally. I mean what else is a kid to do if it can't get liquered up yet?!

Joking aside, I am thinking of setting up a group in the north of England loosely based on the JPFO model.  I am thinking of calling it, Mike's Gun-Fun, Guns Glorious Guns, Centre for United National Team-shooting (CUNT) or to lay siege to those who think that people like us cannot actually read/ form sentances etc, The Great Gat-sby (you get it?).  I would certainly like to hear your suggestion or preference.

Anyway, once established, I would like to set up a link or association with JFPO where we can trade ideas, send our loved ones on holidays together and field test bazookas and what-not. 

My ultimate goal is to set up a new state called Miketopia where Preston, Lancashire now stands using international law alongside our rights of self-determination.  Rest assured there will be a new Bill of Mike-Rights where gun ownership is not just allowed but in fact mandatory. 

Anyway, I should go now because I have to polish my antique grenade collection.

Best regards,

Mike Jury

Preston Invites Bids For New Anthem

Dear Mr. Kopke,

As the conductor of the Preston Symphony Orchestra……AUSTRALIA! I am sure that you are aware of the need for a state to have an anthem. An anthem is something for the masses to hold on to in times of trouble, something that verbalizes the spirit of the people, something to hum when you are mending a fridge.

I come from and represent Preston, ENGLAND!  Although a wonderful town, nay city, with a history of cotton milling (due to climate) and more recently of vehicle and aerospace engineering, Preston (England) is not yet perfect. I represent a consortium of people who think that Preston (England) has lost its way. We are working through financial, military and other initiatives to raise the global profile of Preston.  As such we shall eventually be seceding from the UK and will require some sort of anthem to replace the “God save the Queen” one.

Now, I am a man of words, emotions, limberness and I happen to be a formidable pastry chef, but I cannot compose music.  Indeed one of my ears was detached in a baking accident some years ago!  I would therefore appreciate some input on how a tune could be knocked together.  Could you write for me Mr. Kopke?  As one Prestonian to another could you help us and be in effect one of our founding fathers?

Yours sincerely,

Mike Jury

PS My girlfriend Lizzie really likes the banjo!

Preston Adopts Swiss Style Banking

Dear Mr Mirabaud,

As Chairman of the Swiss Bankers Association (SBA) it is possible that you can assist my consortium with its new developmental program.

I live in Preston in the north of England, a town notable for its history of cotton milling, and more recently for its vehicle and aerospace engineering.  Like many Prestonians, I believe that Preston needs to re-enter the 21^st Century with a ‘kapow’ and not a 'prrrrrrr' and that for this to happen, Preston needs to model itself on the Swiss banking system. 

Pierre (I do hope I can call you Pierre) my consortium has already made advances to groups who will help with the full-scale devolution of the Prestonian banking system.  This will involve setting a number of precedents in international law but along with the JPFO group (a little known entity in the US) we are certain it can be achieved. Once this devolution has manifested, the process of becoming a leading financial capital can accelerate.  Indeed we have already decided that a new stock exchange should be built on the site of the Fleece Inn in Penwortham.

I look forward to your ideas on how this project can be taken forward.

Yours sincerely,

"Mike Jury"

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Dear Mr. Jury,

Thank you for your email of 26 August 2005 which has been forwarded to
me.

The Swiss Bankers Association is a trade association and self-regulatory
body and we regret that we are unable to help with any regional
development projects such as the one you outline for Preston.   We
suggest you work together with your local chamber of commerce.

Yours sincerely,

James Nason
Head of International Communications
Schweizerische Bankiervereinigung (SBVg)
Swiss Bankers Association (SBA)
Aeschenplatz 7, Postfach 4182, 4002 Basel, Switzerland

Dear "Mr Nason",

I beg thee to reconsider. Preston, although not great for skiing, Heidi and yodelling like Switzerland, has massive investment potential. With a Swiss style financial system there is no telling what the impact to Prestonians would be. I envisage ‘numbered accounts’ where people like Ian Botham and Captain Birdseye can store their treasure in secret.  Also, I will share my own system of anonymous banking with you…no....I can’t keep it a secret any longer “Mr Nason” I have to spill the muesli!  I believe the following to be the most secure way of hiding treasure:

1. A customer, for the sake of brevity let’s call him Mr Tchaikovsky, sends to the bank a Postal Box number that he has rented.

2. A black hood is sent to the PO Box.

3. Mr Tchaikovsky collects the black hood and puts it on. (He can do this at night time if he wishes)

4. The hood is equipped with a global positioning system which beeps in Mr Tchaikovsky’s ears, one beep for left and two for right and silent for straight on.

5. The hood beeps and blips in Mr Tchaikovsky’s ears until he arrives, by car or foot, at a secret entrance to the bank.

6. Mr Tchaikovsky is led to a secret cave room by the beeping.  In the cave room an employee of the bank is awaiting him, also wearing a black hood.

7. Mr Tchaikovsky leaves his treasure in a box positioned in front of him and states, “Give to me my vegetable code!” The bank employee simultaneously (and this is the important bit) states the name of a vegetable.  e.g. “The vegetable code is pumpkin”

8. Mr Tchaikovsky remembers his vegetable code and is directed by beeps to the bank exit and back to the PO Box.

9. When Mr Tchaikovsky wants to access his treasure he returns to the PO Box, puts the black hood on and states his vegetable code e.g. “my vegetable code is potato”.  The GPS in the hood is immediately activated and the process is repeated.

I think that you will find that this system will successfully keep a customer’s identity and treasure a secret. This in turn will increase investment in Preston and could additionally benefit your own banking system.  Now that you know my full story, please let me know what you think the next step should be. I am for example highly interested in just how we would market this new idea in Europe and beyond. Perhaps an advertisement featuring five times Ironwoman world champ and Swiss national Natascha Badmann dressed as Heidi? 

With fondest regards,

Mike Jury

The Cotton Duck of Preston

Dear Mr Block,

As a senior molecular biologist and geneticist at Stanford University I think you may be able to help me with an idea I recently had.   

I live in a town called Preston in the north of England which has long been known for its mill industry, indeed by the middle of the 19th Century 80% of the population of Preston depended on it.  The reason for Preston excelling at milling cotton is the climate of this area of the north of England; the excessive moisture being the optimum condition for spinning and weaving cotton.

So this got me a thinking. If cotton is easy to spin and weave when wet, but often is not wet then why can’t we genetically engineer cotton to grow in the fur of an animal that likes water?  I present you with the cotton duck!

I know technically speaking that ducks have feathers not fur but the ones that I have seen seem to be happy animals.  Or avians?  I may be a little out of my depth here!  So, and correct me if I am askew on the specifics of genetic blending, we get a herd of ducks and genetically ‘splice’ them with a cotton plant.  I know that one is a bird and the other a plant but I think that the result could be worth the effort and could ensure a revival of desert economies.  Imagine if Saudi Arabia could have cotton mills! 

If I know you well enough, Mr Block, you are probably thinking “Ah but the cotton ducks would need to be in a wet environment in the first place to pick up the desired amount of moisture.  This defeats the object, thus…uh the opposite of QED”.  But of course ducks are and our hybrid cotton ducks by nature (or training if the cotton stops the urge) will be a ‘migratory animal’.  So the cotton duck goes for a swim in the Gulf, picks up water in its cotton fur feathers, and flies to Saudi – hopefully not impeded by the weirdness of its wings – and gets weaved in a cotton mill! 

Questions:

1. Is there a moral implication of our cotton ducks feeding on seeds and therefore being cannibals of sorts?

2. Is there a likelihood of our cotton ducks being shunned by the normal duck community?

3. Should we just shave the duck then weave the product so that the duck is reusable?

With best regards and hope for a successful joint project,

Mike Jury

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Dear Mike,

There are several problems with your imaginative proposal:

1) A duck has water-repellent (hydrophophic) feathers, NOT a water-absorbent covering (hydrophilic).  That is for a reason. Even if you could somehow engineer a duck to produce a cotton or similar covering, it would gain too much weight upon exposure to water and could not fly -- let alone migrate, as you imagine in your Saudi scenario!

2) We do not understand enough about developmental biology to create a duck with cotton 'feathers'.  And we are not even close.  There is no such thing as a 'gene' for feathers or fur, for example:  these appendages result form the complex interactions of many, many genes in a long developmental program.  So producing a duck with cotton on the outside is well beyond the capability of modern genetical engineering, and will likely remain so for some time.

3) Animals consume many, many more natural resources than plants, and therefore require much more energy to grow.  There is therefore NO WAY that an animal 'crop' product, which gets its energy from eating plants or other animals, could ever become economically competitive with a plant crop, which gets its energy directly from the sun.  Economically speaking, then, your idea will not work.

Best wishes,

SMB

=====================================================
  Prof. Steven M. Block
  Department of Biological Sciences and
  Department of Applied Physics
  Stanford University, Stanford, CA 94305-5020